Huis Clos

After once reading Jean-Paul Sartre’s “Huis clos” I have often wondered what hell would be for me. In “Huis clos” four persons rightfully end up in hell, and soon one can understand what hell really is; “l'enfer, c'est les autres” (“hell is other people”).

Do I end up in hell ? Probably. Already before reaching the age of 7, I had committed two major sins, killing and betraying a friend. I was playing with matches with a friend of mine behind my grandpa’s chicken house, and somehow we came to put the fire to it. All 150 chicken died. As it wasn’t bad enough, there was another minor detail. Some weeks earlier my grandpa had tried to get a loan from the bank to build a new chicken house, but his loan application was refused. So indeed it seemed very suspicious for the insurance company. I still remember very clearly the day the police came to interrogate my grandpa, and my grandpa crying and insisting his innocence. It was a scene worth of an Academy Award for “Performance by an actor in a leading role”. The Oscar that year went to Marlon Brando for his role in Godfather. Did Brando deserve it ? Yes, if the criteria was stuffing the maximum amount of cotton pads in one’s mouth, and then trying to speak as un-understandable English as possible. So my grandpa didn’t win the Oscar but he was declared innocent and got money from the insurance company to build a new chicken house. As I am a modest person there was no need to tell him that all this was thanks to me.

The second sin, betraying a friend, was my accomplish from the earlier episode. Once getting very mad at her, I peed in my grandpa’s boots (he was not wearing them at that moment), and then told my grandpa that my friend had done it.

In my later years I can add a considerable amount of sins. And if it wasn’t enough that I have sinned, I even plan future sins. Next week my boss will be on vacation, so I will add some more cheating and lying to my already impressing list. I have decided to misuse her computer log-in and fire a couple of unpleasant colleagues. I will send a mail to these colleagues sacking them and end the mail with, “You might think I am a coward firing you during my holiday but I simply cannot stand seeing your lazy face any more. Don’t even for one second think about disturbing my holiday by phoning me or I push the company lawyer on you (this is a terrifying threat, he is so ugly that even dogs avoid him). Before I return from holiday, I expect that you have packed your belongings and disappeared.”

So I will definitely rot in hell.

But what will the hell then be for me? My biggest fears are sharing a room with:

- The 150 chicken I killed in the fire.

- My boss, and as a revenge for the sexual harassment law suit, she will not only finish all her sentences with “I hvert fald” but also start them with it.

- Tom Cruise and Tina Arena. I can take one at time, but both would definitely be hell.

- And the most terrifying thought. Ending up in a room with my father-in-law and a television, my father-in-law possessing the remote control. This thought makes me so sick that I am in fact willing to become a better person. I will start seeking forgiveness for my sins at any possible God right now.