La Débâcle Des Sentiments

Some of the weirdest couples make the most beautiful duets. Wishing everyone Muy Feliz Año Nuevo along with Stanislas and Calogero!



Notre amour
Faute de combattants
De guerre la
À déserté le temps
Drapeau blanc
Nous battons en retraite
On se rend
On ne compte plus les pertes

Refrain:
C’est la débâcle des sentiments
C’est la déroute des faux fuyants
Signons le pacte sans faux semblants
On a plus le coeur à se battre
C’est la débâcle des sentiments
C’est la déroute des faux fuyants
Signons le pacte sans faux semblants
Autant en finir sur le champ

Nos soldats
Ont déposé les armes
Les trompettes
Ont joué l’adieu aux larmes
L’armistice
On ne le fêtera pas
Pas non plus l’amour mort au combat

refrain:
C’est la débâcle des sentiments
C’est la déroute des faux fuyants
Signons le pacte sans faux semblants
On a plus le coeur à se battre
C’est la débâcle des sentiments
C’est la déroute des faux fuyants
Signons le pacte sans faux semblants
Autant en finir sur le champ

Sonnez trompettes
Sonnez tambours
Sonnez trompettes
Sonnez tambours
Trompettes
Sonnez tambours
Sonnez trompettes
Tambours
Sonnez, Sonnez, Sonnez

Refrain:
C’est la débâcle des sentiments
C’est la déroute des faux fuyants
Signons le pacte sans faux semblants
On a plus le coeur à se battre
C’est la débâcle des sentiments
C’est la déroute des faux fuyants
Signons le pacte sans faux semblants
Autant en finir sur le champ

Sur le champ
Sur le champ
Sur le champ ………

New Year’s resolutions

I love making New Year’s resolutions, just to see how many minutes or hours I can keep them.

In 2009:

- I will stop reciting Puccini for my son’s friends. They don’t think Mimi’s death scene is tragic but comic.

- I will stop hating TV2. I simply won’t acknowledge it as a TV channel anymore (just like I don’t acknowledge TV3, 3*, Kanal 5 etc being TV channels).

- I will start hating chocolate.

- I will stop embarrassing the kids in front of their friends asking them questions about their girl/boy friends, and if they have done a lot of kissing at school. I will stop insinuations as “What son, don’t you have a girlfriend? Maybe you are gay; do you have a boyfriend instead?”
(Poor kids, but this is entirely the school psychologist’s fault. We parents were forced to go to a lecture where he told us that we are not supposed to ask our children these kinds of questions. It really pissed me off him telling me what to do, and now the kids are paying the price.)

- I will start charging for my kids’ friends eating dinner at our house. They all have rich parents, what the heck they always eat my food for free?

- No matter how much rage there is in my head, I will remain cool and calm like Lady Marjorie Bellamy (remember, Upstairs, downstairs).
.

Second hand sales

Even I often buy things second hand, I have never sold anything myself. Until today. I have usually just given all the baby things etc. to my friends or colleagues, but now I got tired of waiting for a friend to pick up some things, so I put them on sale on dba.dk. With a great success, after just 2 hours in cyberspace I have already sold two children’s beds and tomorrow someone promised to pick up the bunk bed.

But I wonder if I act the same way when I buy things as these people?

The wife on the phone:
“Are the beds in perfect condition? No marks or anything?”
“Well, they have been used for kids…”
“But do they look like brand new?”
Is this lady stupid or what?
“Yes, they look like brand new. My kids are angels and having wings, they barely touch the beds when sleeping.”

Later the husband comes and picks up the beds.
“Hm…there are quite many stickers on them.”
“Yes, I thought about selling them for 100 kr extra, but you look like a nice guy, you get them for free.”
“I don’t know, the kids would like to have beds that look brand new.”
Is this guy stupid or what?
“In that case you have to go to Ilva and buy new beds for 1500 kr each instead of my 300 kr.”
“Okay, I take them. I guess Ilva is closed now…”

Women's magazines

On my couch camping I have finally had time to read some of the women’s magazines a friend of mine gave me for some time ago. I don’t actually like women’s magazines, not even when I am at the hairdresser. I don’t like reading about ordinary real life people, it simply doesn’t interest me. Reading about how cancer, having kids or moving from city to countryside changed somebody’s life, what do I care? And if these women’s magazines have an article about a famous person, the whole article is about how this famous and extraordinary person in fact is very ordinary just like everybody else. Why on earth do they want to give this impression to everybody?

No, the only women’s magazine I like is Madame Figaro. Madame Figaro is about extraordinary women; women who have eight kids, two storey apartment in the 16.th arrondissement in Paris, a country house in Normandy and skiing cottage in Chamonix. These women are beautiful, elegant, strong and volunteer fundraisers for charity projects. All this while they work as rocket scientists or neurosurgeons.

These are the kind of real life women I love to read about. The less successful ones, the offers of miserable love and diseases, they belong to my world of fiction; Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina, Flaubert’s Emma Bovary, Solohov’s Natalya, Kundera’s Tereza, Hemingway’s Maria, Steinbeck’s Rose or Fitzgerald’s Nicole. Great reading, but just as long as they stay fiction.

WW3

You people should be grateful that neither I nor my mom posses military power. Just 40 seconds on phone would be enough to start World War III.
.

Christmas presents 4

My best Christmas present isn’t the complete Edith Piaf Collection, nor the Milan Kundera novel or the exclusive make-up I got. No, my best Christmas present is Søren Stryger!

Søren Stryger is about the sexiest man on earth. I have his picture just next to my kids at the office; I guess that a photo of an imaginary husband and real life kids at the office is okay. As my sister-in-law’s husband knows Søren Stryger very well having been the assistant coach for the national handball team, I often ask him about Søren. Today at the family Christmas gathering I again just had to know how Søren is doing.

“Well, he is just fine; he is now living quite near by where you live.”
“WHAT? Next time you are going to visit him you just have to take me with you.”
“Hm….”
“Hey, I would like to write an article about him to the Finnish Handball Association’s magazine; do you think he would go along with an interview?”
“I am sure he would, I can fix that.”
“GREAT, I LOVE YOU.”
“You just must promise not to giggle stupidly, it has to be serious.” (Why on earth did he say that?)
“I promise, not a problem. Unless he tries to tickle me. “

And you know what, I wouldn’t mind at all if Søren Stryger tickled me!

Autism

The things I learned about autism the other day were in fact very useful, almost scary present in my life. I found out that I am married to an autistic person! My husband’s behaviour corresponds perfectly with an autistic person’s;

- Impairment of communication: my husband hardly speaks to me.
- Impairment in social interaction: he doesn’t listen to me either.
- Restricted interests: his only interests are the computer and his work.
- Repetitive behavior: he keeps leaving the wine prop on the table.
- Atypical eating: he likes his mom's food.



PS. I hate this film. I hate it as much as Titanic.
PS 2. It is nice to have a blog and get outlet for things I hate.

Le Père Noël est une ordure

I got my intelligence fall down to be on stand-by after watching yesterday a French documentary about autism. Now I can add to my already quite wide knowledge of irrelevant information many facts about autism, I could compete with Michael Caine (he is the English champion of irrelevant knowledge).

But when I look at the TV program, I am afraid that the IQ fall down will continue as soon as I turn on the television. How many corny American Christmas movies there have been made? Many. I throw up just reading about them, I cannot even think about being forced to watch one.

No, if you want to see a Christmas movie, it has to be the totally crazy French one, Le Père Noël est une ordure. It is cult, everybody should see it. Teaches you the real lesson of Christmas; never shoot through a closed door, the elevator repairman might be standing behind it.

Couch camping

Couch camping turned out to be a lot of fun, I really enjoy it. I am the queen of the house, I possess the TV remote control and I am fussing the family around. “Husband, get me coffee”, “Daughter, get me chocolate”, “Son, get me painkillers”.

All this while I am desperately zapping on my remote. Heavens, how bad can television be? BAD. Even with all my 100 French channels, there seems to be nothing worth watching. But I do watch anyhow. On my bedside table there are many books waiting, but somehow the wonderful “Kierkegaards København” cannot attract me right now as I am captured in the house far away from Copenhagen. How about Hanan Ashrawi’s biography? She is a woman with a REMARKABLE life, but she shouldn’t have written the book herself. Even she is a lady with many talents, writing isn’t one of them. Schoolbooks? No rush, they aren’t to be read before 48 hours to the exam.

No, television is for these kinds of situations, no matter how bad it is. But I also know that there are side effects. First of all, before I am recovered with my toe, I will probably weigh 200 kilos. And noticing my choice of TV programs, my husband just wondered how much my IQ will fall the following four weeks. A lot.

Express yourself

I don’t usually have problems expressing myself, but I cannot really put words on the pain I feel when I keep hitting my toe in the furniture. I have a long metal thread stuck in my toe and even it sticks out quite abnormally, I keep forgetting it is there. Until I hit it and feel the xxxxxxxxxxxx pain.

I guess I have two solutions; commit a fast suicide or camp on the couch (no, the morphine and the liquor didn't kill me).

Suffer for beauty?

When I was 9 years old and got my ears pierced, I was crying of pain. My mom said coldly to me that women must suffer for their beauty; that didn’t really comfort me then.

And that doesn’t comfort me now, either. Today I got my toe operated so that I can wear high heels without discomfort, but I found out that God has started his evil plan with painful punishments for my unethical behaviour. First the nurse tried to pump the blood out of my leg to avoid excess bleeding, but the meter wasn’t working so the she kept pumping until I felt my leg will explode. I screamed of pain, and the nurse tried to unpump the pressure out again. The bloody machine didn’t work so in panic she had to tear off the wire. Good try God, but I survived.

But God didn’t give up. Somehow I wasn’t given enough anaesthesia to start with, so when the orthopaedic surgeon started cutting my toe, I could not only hear and see the assault, but also feel it. Instead of getting immediate heart stop, I both screamed and cried, and eventually they shot some more anaesthesia drug in my toe. I survived again.
.
The rest of the operation I couldn’t feel a thing, but I felt extreme psychological discomfort when the surgeon took the drill and started boring in my toe. I turned on my MP3 at maximum but the awful noise from the drill couldn’t be beaten by Florent’s singing.

Now I am beginning to feel my toe again. I wish I couldn’t. I got a huge bag of painkillers to take home with, including morphine for extreme pain. I think this is extreme pain. I start with the morphine, all of them at once. After that I will take all the other pills and empty our liquor stock. This time I might not survive.

Christmas presents 3

This is gonna be such an inexpensive Christmas. I skipped the books for my in-laws, too expensive. Instead they will get something from my collection of supplier presents.

- My husband, racer bike, founded, price 0 kr.

- My daughter, horse equipment box, bought in sales for under half price, 150 kr.

- My son, 3 PS2 games, bought from my husband’s nephew, 150 kr.

- My mother-in-law, a Georg Jensen Christmas decoration. This is a yearly present from our coach company, they are awful ! I think someone has made a bet that you can sell anything as long as you call it Georg Jensen. 0 kr.

- My father- in-law, 2 x golf green fees, a present from one of the golf courses where I send clients once in a while, 0 kr.

- My family in Finland, a telephone call wishing them Merry Christmas, 0 kr (collect call).


As I will sell the Brøckhouse beer gift package (also a supplier present) for 300 kr to my in-laws explaining that it is something my husband wants, I have all the expenses covered. Or almost. I will of course give myself something.

- Red leather boots, 1700 kr.

- A red cashmere cardigan to go with the boots, 1200 kr.

- A red D&G handbag, 2200 kr.

Ma liberté de penser

For the past few days my sound track has been Florent Pagny’s “Ailleurs land”, what a great CD for my unbearable loneliness of being…



Quitte à tout prendre prenez mes gosses et la télé,
Ma brosse à dent mon revolver la voiture ça c’est déjà fait,
Avec les interdits bancaires prenez ma femme , le canapé,
Le micro onde, le frigidaire,
Et même jusqu'à ma vie privée
De toute façon à découvert, je peux bien vendre mon âme au Diable,
Avec lui on peut s’arranger,
Puisque ici tout est négociable, mais vous n’aurez pas,
Ma liberté de penser.

Prenez mon lit, les disques d’or, ma bonne humeur,
Les petites cuillères, tout ce qu’à vos yeux a de la valeur,
Et dont je n’ai plus rien à faire, quitte à tout prendre n’oubliez pas,
Le shit planqué sous l’étagère,
Tout ce qui est beau et compte pour moi , j’ préfère que ça parte a l’Abbé Pierre,
J’ peux donner mon corps à la science,
S’ il y’a quelque chose à prélever,
Et que ça vous donne bonne conscience, mais vous n’aurez pas,
Ma liberté de penser.

Ma liberté de penser.

J’ peux vider mes poches sur la table,
Ca fait longtemps qu’elles sont trouées,
Baisser mon froc j’en suis capable, mais vous n’aurez pas,
Ma liberté de penser.

Quitte à tout prendre et tout solder,
Pour que vos petites affaires s’arrangent,
J’ prends juste mon pyjama rayé , et je vous fais cadeaux des oranges,
Vous pouvez même bien tout garder,
J’emporterai rien en enfer,
Quitte à tout prendre j’ préfère y’ aller,
Si le paradis vous est offert,
Je peux bien vendre mon âme au diable,
Avec lui on peut s’arranger,
Puisque ici tout est négociable, mais vous n’aurez pas,
Non vous n’aurez pas,
Ma liberté de penser.

Ma liberté de penser

Nobel Peace Prize goes to...

The former Finnish president Martti Ahtisaari will receive the Nobel Peace Prize today. He has contributed to solving many global conflicts and with great results. Do you know how?

Ahtisaari (with totally incomprehensible English): You guys should really stop fighting now.

Aceh rebel (terrorist, murderer, whatever you call them, in Indonesian): Did you understand what he said? Is he making fun of our English?

Indonesian government official (in Indonesian): No, I don’t understand a word he says. Still, after 5 days, I don’t understand anything he is saying. I also think he is mocking us for our English. I can’t almost take it anymore.

Ahtisaari (looking very hungry): Guys, we should take a break for lunch now. Think over what I just said.

Aceh rebel (in Indonesian): I understood lunch. Eating again, I think he should look at a mirror. Isn’t he fat enough.

Indonesian government official (in Indonesian): This guy’s eating is costing our government a fortune. Only after 5 days we have spent the whole budget for one year’s official government dinners. This must stop now.

Aceh rebel (in Indonesian): Let’s sign the bloody papers, nobody can take this torture any longer.

Indonesian government official (in English): Dear Ahtisaari, we have come to an agreement. Let’s skip the lunch, we will sign the papers in the limo on your way to the airport.

Duck Soup

I don’t know if Marx Brothers are just very primitive, but they make me laugh…

Firefly: Not that I care, but where is your husband?

.

Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead.

.

Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse.

.

Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end.

.
Firefly: Hmmph. No wonder he passed away.
.

Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him.

Firefly: Oh, I see. Then, it was murder. Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first.

Mrs. Teasdale: He left me his entire fortune.

Firefly: Is that so? Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you? I love you.

Mrs. Teasdale: Oh, your Excellency!

Firefly: You're not so bad yourself.

Christmas Parties

Important advice to anybody attending a company Christmas Party; shoot the person bringing a camera along. It is best to shoot the person right away, in the beginning of the evening. I have to shoot the person from our party afterwards (now, in a couple of minutes), when a lot of damage has already been done.

Olympic Games

There are the normal Olympic Games, Olympics for gays, Olympics for handicapped people and Olympics for seniors. The day someone organizes Olympic Games for high heels, I will attend. Every morning I run as hell to the bus stop and I keep beating my record every time.

Madrigal Triste

Despite Baudelaire's remark about intelligent women, I have totally fallen for him. He just writes so beautifully, it is almost impossible to imagine a man being able to write like that. I think this is about the most beautiful passage ever written:

Que m'importe que tu sois sage?
Sois belle! Et sois triste! Les pleurs
Ajoutent un charme au visage,
Comme le fleuve au paysage;
L'orage rajeunit les fleurs.

I would cry even if Groucho Marx was reading it to me.
.

“You, me, whipped cream and handcuffs “

This Friday we had our company Christmas Party. We are only girls and gay guys (the hetero guy has left us; a lot of crying in November, as Maria Larssons eviga ögonblick hadn’t been enough), but fortunately our IT guy was invited to join us. When he arrived I had to tell him how brave I thought he was, joining a Christmas Party with only girls and gays. But that he also should know that he was invited because this year we couldn’t afford a stripper. Well, now he was warned.

Again inspired of JB’s blog, I tested this pick-up line: “You, me, whipped cream and handcuffs" during the evening. It worked very well! At the dinner I sent paper airplanes with this message to selected girl colleagues and no one got offended, just very excited (I interpret hysterical laughter as excitement). And even the usually always so shy and sweet IT-guy only said “Just tell me what time!!”.

Mocking others...

Yes, I know that when I make fun of others and especially of my mother-in-law, it is just a sign of my profound insecurity! In fact I really fear that she one day challenges me in something she definitely will beat me at; slaughtering a pig and then parting it correctly.
.

Christmas presents 2

The really interesting part with Christmas presents is the ones I give to my in-laws and the ones they give to me. My in-laws usually ask my husband for help and my husband gives names of some books that could have my interest. But somehow these books are not to be bought at my in-laws supermarket kiosk; I get a Barbara Cartland novel instead.
“Mother-in-law, did you really get me this year’s Nobel winning book?”

I also give my in-laws books. For my mother-in-law I am going to give ”How to become World Champion in Weightlifting in 30 days” and to my father-in-law “How to learn Serbo-Croatian in 30 days”. If they wonder what the rush is, I must remind them of their age and wish them good luck, I hope they make it before kicking the bucket. If they make it, I can just say that my money for the books was well paid off. And if they don’t make it, well, I guess it’s called a win-win situation.

Christmas presents

.

I am a woman of principles (as long as it suits me), and I refuse to spend a lot of money on Christmas presents. I don’t understand the idea about giving expensive gifts from people’s wishing lists; if I need something, I buy it, and I expect everybody else doing the same.

My husband is the yearly target of my principals; giving him something with a thought but costing the minimum. A couple of years ago I planted him an olive tree in Palestine but he was quite disappointed opening a package telling he just had donated an olive tree on the West bank. So last year I thought I must give him something he in facto can keep between his hands. In our local church second hand shop I found a wine board game for the fantastic price of 30 kr. It had probably never been used but stayed in someone’s closet for years. We had quite fun playing it as you could get questions about the wine production in countries such as East-Germany or Yugoslavia.

But this year I will totally excel. While I was jogging yesterday, people had put their heavy garbage out for the monthly collection. Someone had put out a perfectly functioning Raleigh racer bicycle so I asked the owner, just to be sure they really had thrown it away, if I could take it. She was happy making me happy and said that even it was really old, it was in good condition, no rust or anything. She got just tired of having it around as her husband hadn’t used it for years.

Well, Merry Christmas my bikeless husband, and it didn’t cost me a nickel!

Sushi

I love sushi; I could eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Yesterday we had the "family & friends" birthday party for both kids and I had made lots of sushi. This wasn’t because I love it, but because my mother-in-law hates it. I just love to say: “Oh dear, I had forgotten you don’t like sushi, let me make a leverpostejmad to you instead.”

I am not only going to end in hell, I am really going to have a painful death.